Pregnancy Update

Dear blog, my fear became a reality. Do you remember my hospital update and how my water broke and I needed to stay pregnant until my 34 week mark. Everything was going well until Tuesday the 17 around noon. I had started my day like any other day at the hospital. I did my morning routine, ate my breakfast, and went for a ride in a wheel chair. It was time for lunch and I was craving Burger King, so my wonderful husband went out to get me some food to eat. When he got back I was already feeling down, I couldn't even stand the smell of the food he just brought in. He ate and I just laid in bed telling him that I was really cold and couldn't stop shaking. At first he thought I was having a panic attack from everything that has been happening lately and I had just spoken to a very rude person on the phone who was reluctant to help us with paying a bill. Anyway I kept getting worse as the minutes went by; at this point nurses were checking on me more frequently. I started to freak out because I knew what that meant, I was going to have the baby that day, it was just a matter of when. I kept getting worse and they started to fear an infection and from then they started to prep me for the operating room. I was very scared because I wanted my baby to be okay, we had been told of everything that could happen if she came this early and I was really hopping I could keep her in for a bit longer. I felt like I had failed her as a mom, I was supposed to keep her in and safe so she could develop and be strong. I mainly asked two questions through the prep process, "Will my baby be okay?" and "Am I going to be okay?" They said the baby would be okay, they just didn't know about me. This was all very scary because I wanted to meet my baby girl, it has always been my dream to have a girl of my own. Another question I asked was if my husband would be able to come in with me, I got told no because I was going to be completely under anesthesia because they didn't know how serious my situation had become. I was given the medicine and I was out, so I have no idea what happened during that time. I do know that my baby was born and I did not get to see her. When I started to wake up I thought I was in the recuperation room waiting for the medicine to completely wear off, but to my surprise I was in the ICU with tubes down my throat. Another very scary situation, because I wasn't sure why I was in the ICU. Well the reason why is because I had an infection and was constantly being checked to see if the infection was gone or not. I hated having those tubes down my throat, I don't want to go through that again. Every time a nurse would come in, I would ask when will the tubes be taken out and all she could say was they still had some tests to run!!! (Mind you, I couldn't really speak, I just pointed at the tubes) I could not speak so if I wanted to communicate with my mom I had to trace letters on my bed sheets for her to read what I was trying to say. My husband came and checked on me but he mainly spent his time with the baby which is fine with me because I wanted to make sure she was okay. My mom stayed with me as I started to recuperate. I was in the ICU for most of Wed, we were waiting on a room to open up and for my results to come back. I was hungry because I hadn't eaten since 8 am Tuesday and it was Wed and I still hadn't eaten. Well I thought I was hungry, but once I was given food I couldn't keep it down.

If I think about it to much, I get mad!! I did everything I was supposed to do I was on bed rest, I didn't go walking around like some of the other moms were doing. I wasn't smoking and my baby was the one who came early. It just makes me mad, but I keep trying to remind myself that God is in control and that he has a plan for everything in our lives.